Yes...my own personal hell. Right there in my bedroom. At 1:30 in the morning I was sitting in the chair in the corner of my room watching the rest of the house sleep away while I was...well...I was in my own personal nightmare. My entire body was buzzing and aching. My hands and head were throbbing and my neck hurt so bad it was screwing all my thought processes. So of course, I was also spiraling down my hole of depression as well. I was pushing myself to think of something positive. Anything to get my mind off what was going on with my body. It's amazing how hard it is to think of something positive when you're in that much pain. Although I have a lot of great things in my life the only thing I could bring to mind was the little walk I took with my little girl earlier in the evening. Once I got that thought I just kept trying to hold on to it.
I was sitting there covered in ice packs trying to stretch the pain away and willing my body to give me some peace. All at once the positive thought went away and the panic began. That feeling where you don't think you're going to be able to take much more, that moment right before the tatoo artist lifts his gun, that moment when you feel a loss so severe that you would rather die than live without them, that moment when you realize there's someone following you down that dark alley. Pure panic. That's the moment I prayed. It's all I could do. "Please Lord, please just take away some of it. I'm about to lose my grip on sanity. Please, just some of it."
And He did. I've begged many times before. Trust me, I've been on my hands and knees begging God to take this away from me many many times but its never happened. But for some reason He saw fit to help me last night. As soon as I finished my prayer the extreme pain in my neck lessened. Of course it wasn't taken away but just having that small relief was enough to get rid of the panic and allow me to fall asleep. Although everything else still hurt a wash of warmth and peace drifted over me and I just let go and finally slept. As exhausted as I am this morning as I was up well past 2, I am also feeling very thankful today. He heard me. He heard me and He without a doubt brought me some peace. Even if it was just long enough for me to find rest.
Now, I am not much of a church goer. In fact, as much as I believe and pray, I personally don't have much use for church. Mostly because of my views on religion in general. But I know God. I know He's blessed me in my life. And I know He sent me a reminder of His presence last night. Sometimes I feel lost and abandoned, but last night God showed me I was His, and although He isn't going to heal me, for His own reasons, He wanted me to know I wasn't alone in that prison. He was with me. And He had my back.
I know its hard for people that don't have my problems to understand how hard it can be but I had to share my story. Hope is one of the only things that keeps me going and at times I lose that hope, but its with me now and I hope that by me writing this someone else will find the hope that they've lost.
For my friends that live in the same chronic pain, I want you to remember that we are not weak. We were given this life because someone felt we were strong enough to handle it. We are warriors. We may not fight with guns or swords but we are warriors none the less. Much of our lives have been taken from us but we can keep fighting for the life that we have left. The bad times may be a lot and very bad but the good times are also better for us. Cherish the good times and fight for them. Their all we have. Gentle hugs. Missy Sue
I was sitting there covered in ice packs trying to stretch the pain away and willing my body to give me some peace. All at once the positive thought went away and the panic began. That feeling where you don't think you're going to be able to take much more, that moment right before the tatoo artist lifts his gun, that moment when you feel a loss so severe that you would rather die than live without them, that moment when you realize there's someone following you down that dark alley. Pure panic. That's the moment I prayed. It's all I could do. "Please Lord, please just take away some of it. I'm about to lose my grip on sanity. Please, just some of it."
And He did. I've begged many times before. Trust me, I've been on my hands and knees begging God to take this away from me many many times but its never happened. But for some reason He saw fit to help me last night. As soon as I finished my prayer the extreme pain in my neck lessened. Of course it wasn't taken away but just having that small relief was enough to get rid of the panic and allow me to fall asleep. Although everything else still hurt a wash of warmth and peace drifted over me and I just let go and finally slept. As exhausted as I am this morning as I was up well past 2, I am also feeling very thankful today. He heard me. He heard me and He without a doubt brought me some peace. Even if it was just long enough for me to find rest.
Now, I am not much of a church goer. In fact, as much as I believe and pray, I personally don't have much use for church. Mostly because of my views on religion in general. But I know God. I know He's blessed me in my life. And I know He sent me a reminder of His presence last night. Sometimes I feel lost and abandoned, but last night God showed me I was His, and although He isn't going to heal me, for His own reasons, He wanted me to know I wasn't alone in that prison. He was with me. And He had my back.
I know its hard for people that don't have my problems to understand how hard it can be but I had to share my story. Hope is one of the only things that keeps me going and at times I lose that hope, but its with me now and I hope that by me writing this someone else will find the hope that they've lost.
For my friends that live in the same chronic pain, I want you to remember that we are not weak. We were given this life because someone felt we were strong enough to handle it. We are warriors. We may not fight with guns or swords but we are warriors none the less. Much of our lives have been taken from us but we can keep fighting for the life that we have left. The bad times may be a lot and very bad but the good times are also better for us. Cherish the good times and fight for them. Their all we have. Gentle hugs. Missy Sue
